Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness.  I am studying Mark this semester with Dzidzor, Miranda and Kathryn, and we recently studied Mark 2, where Jesus audaciously forgives a man's sins.  As I read more on forgiveness, this is what Tim Keller had to say,

"When someone sins against you, they have cost you something. To forgive them means that you do not hold them liable for the cost as a debt, but instead you absorb the cost yourself. (For example, if someone breaks your chair, and you forgive them, it means that you will pay to replace the chair yourself.)"

What a small, and seemingly insignificant, example he gives, but somehow, God used it to teach me something big.  If someone broke my chair, I would forgive them for the act, but expect them to buy me a new chair.  In fact, if someone close to me hurts me, I'm not sure I would "absorb" that emotional cost either.

My heart almost always first responds with anger.  Then, I choose one of a few responses: hurt back, leave the situation because I don't know how to soothe myself, or talk on and on making sure the offender understands why exactly that hurt my feelings and that he or she truly feels sorry.  Basically, all of these responses lead to where my sinful heart wants them to lead: me feeling better and the anger being lifted off my tense chest.  But I'm not convinced that any of these lead to true growth or glory to God.

After this reality check, I chose to try to practice true forgiveness, the kind where I actually absorb the cost.  Well, as Kyle always reminds me, if God wants you to grow in an area, He'll place you in situation where you would naturally do the opposite of what you're trying to grow in.  So Saturday night, God did exactly that.  I was hurt by Kyle, and I fought my natural response of anger.  Kyle knew I was hurt and he truly repented, but my heart was still tense.  I wanted to fight back with anger, but to my surprise, I didn't.

I made the choice to forgive, and it hurt, badly!  I just laid there crying, absorbing the pain and cost of being hurt by someone I love.  Then, it was the most amazing thing, I experienced surreal and deep fellowship with Christ.  Through this experience, I was gaining a bigger reality of what Christ did for me on the cross.  I chose to absorb the pain of one offense, but Christ chose to absorb the pain of ALL offenses, all of my sins.  I was overwhelmed with emotions: sadness because of the pain Christ must have experienced, joy that he would absorb my costs out of love for me, delight that God was growing me, and there was a weird feeling of peace simply knowing that this is what God wants for me and for my relationship with Kyle, true forgiveness.

As painful as it was, my heart so badly desires to forgive like this.  It leads to a deeper relationship with the one I love, but more importantly, a deeper relationship with Christ, experiencing fellowship with him through sharing in his sufferings!  Such a hard but wonderful thing!

A happy picture of me and Kyle.  We don't just hurt each other :)

It's a Girl!

Well, we found out a few weeks ago that we are having a little girl! I would have put a picture up, but showing sonograms can sometimes just be a little weird, so here's a picture of me and Kyle at the Doctor's office, waiting...

Both Kyle and I were anticipating it to be a little girl.  At first I had this feeling because Kyle wanted a boy so badly, so I figured we'll probably have a girl.  Obviously this isn't too much of a convincing argument.  But over the 4 plus months of being pregnant, I think every single person, except one, had guessed it would be a girl.  So Kyle and I jumped on board the little girl train quite some time ago.

It's crazy how the Lord changed both my and Kyle's hearts in leading up to finding out the sex.  All my life I thought I wanted a boy first.  I even thought I wanted a few boys and then a girl, but when we got pregnant, things started changing.  My desire for a girl grew greater and greater.  By the time we were ready to find out, I knew in my heart I wanted a girl this first time around.  Kyle had a similar story.  When he found out we were pregnant, he was hoping for a boy, and he continued to hope for a boy for quite some time.  Then he hit a neutral place.  As we heard from more and more people that it might be a girl, he began to see more girls with their dads, and his heart began to change too!

We are so grateful for the Bradners who let us borrow their Doppler, so we have actually been able to listen to the baby's heart beat at home.  This has been a blessing for a few reasons. First, it's just a joy to sit and listen to the little one inside you and marvel at the very fact that there's a little one inside you!  Second, every once in a while I have gotten concerned that something has happened because my belly isn't huge yet, so I wonder, 'Is there really a little person in there???'

Another fun thing about pregnancy is feeling certain symptoms and then getting weekly updates about the baby and my body that validate those symptoms.  For instance, recently, when I come home from work, my legs have been so achy and I just can't get comfortable.  I honestly feel desperate for a massage.  Then today I wake up to thebump.com weekly update that says this,

"Your body is changing.  Those nasty leg cramps are probably making it tough to get comfortable. One way to ease the pain: Extend your leg and flex your ankle and toes toward your knees. Or enlist your partner for a calf massage."

Finally, a professional giving complete pregnancy validity to my needs!