What would my sign say?...

So I recently talked about how nice it would be to just wear a sign that says everything about you so no one would have to assume.  Also, you wouldn't have to wonder if someone thought something of you that is not true.

Well, if anyone wore a sign, there would be a LOT of things to say, since we're people of course, and we have many thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  But let me go ahead and try to put some things together that I think I would want people to know...

• I am a sinner.  I am allllways doing something that is far less than perfect and that offends God or goes against what he would desire for me.
• I try to live my life according to God's word, and unfortunately this often is perceived as self-righteous and an "I'm better than you" attitude, but I don't think that at all and I try not to allow others to think I think that!  I am trying to live my life how God commands us because I believe God is good, and what he has written is for my own good.
• The only thing that makes me righteous is Jesus, that by living a perfect life, dying on the cross, and raising again, he took the punishment I deserve from said disobedience to God, and I received his righteousness.
• I don't believe anyone can be righteous apart from Christ (which means no one is "good" including myself, because of what we do, say or how we treat others)
• I also think because Christ was perfect, died for the sins of the world, and rose again, and he is the only person that can make anyone righteous, I believe he is the only way to be reconciled with God the father.
• I don't share the gospel enough with others. (You may be thankful for this because you think it's annoying when a Christian shares his or her faith with you, but I remember watching a video of a famous atheist who said that if someone believes that every person needs to be saved from the wrath of God, and they know the way to salvation, Jesus Christ, then why are they not sharing their faith?  That it is selfish to keep it from others.  Wow! That's impacting and will challenge anyone to share his or her faith).
• Christianity is the one way of life that doesn't require you to "work" your way to God.  Jesus has joyfully already done that for you.  All you have to do is trust his work is sufficient and daily repent from your own sinful way of life and instead live to bring God glory.
• I don't think I am better than anyone else because of what I believe.  Like I already said, I am made righteous not because of me, but because of Christ.
• I believe there are certain passages in scripture that have cultural expression and eternal truth.  If, after research, I am unsure of whether the passage only relates to that culture in time or if is eternal truth, I will probably err on the conservative side.
• I fail. All. The. Time.  My goal is to love God and others unconditionally, but I fail daily, which makes me look like a hypocrite...
• I am super self-conscious.  I get so sad when I think someone doesn't like me.  It's embarrassing, selfish and totally unnecessary, really.  And it's this trait that often keeps me from being myself around others.  You can believe me that if I ever hurt your feelings, it is definitely not out of malicious intent.  It's an accident, and I'd want you to tell me so I can apologize and make things right with you. (This was not so true in my high school/early college years, so I am sorry.  These people know who they are and I think I've already personally apologized to them... oops :/  )

Wow, so I guess really what my sign would do is mostly share the gospel.  That was totally unintentional, but I guess when you see that the gospel and a life that failingly tries to live out God's word, you get a lot better look at my life and hopefully a lot less assumptions... who knows...

Now I just need to get all of this tatood on my forehead.

I wish I could wear a sign...

I was thinking about this today with all the Amendment One stuff that just happened in North Carolina. It was interesting that the amendment got passed since about 95% of the signs I saw in yards were "Vote Against" signs. Where were all these closet conservatives?

In the weeks leading up to the vote I asked myself multiple times, "If we had a house, would I put up a sign?" From the feelings of anxiety I got right after I asked myself that question, I knew my answer, "No."

Why is that? What is the problem? Am I ashamed of what I believe in? No... Am I not fully confident in what I believe in? No... (I may not be prepared to have a debate with someone, but I am definitely confident in truth).

This is the problem:

When you believe ONE thing, people assume ALL things about you.

That's why I wish I could just wear a sign that showed all my cards in life. That way, when you find out one thing about me, you can just read the sign I'm wearing that tells you all the other things about me. You still may not agree with anything I believe or do, but at least there wouldn't be all this awkward tension where you're thinking or wondering "X" about me, and I'm wondering, "Does she now think 'Y' about me?!" And now either you are going to avoid me because you hate me, or I am going to avoid you because I think you hate me...

It's terrible, really... These unspoken assumptions, or unspoken fear of assumptions, has caused me tension in so many relationships!

Maybe it's narcissistic to think like this, but am I the only one that has this problem?

I think I will try to lay out a lot of my cards on the next blog. Why not just go ahead and create the proverbial sign?...

Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness.  I am studying Mark this semester with Dzidzor, Miranda and Kathryn, and we recently studied Mark 2, where Jesus audaciously forgives a man's sins.  As I read more on forgiveness, this is what Tim Keller had to say,

"When someone sins against you, they have cost you something. To forgive them means that you do not hold them liable for the cost as a debt, but instead you absorb the cost yourself. (For example, if someone breaks your chair, and you forgive them, it means that you will pay to replace the chair yourself.)"

What a small, and seemingly insignificant, example he gives, but somehow, God used it to teach me something big.  If someone broke my chair, I would forgive them for the act, but expect them to buy me a new chair.  In fact, if someone close to me hurts me, I'm not sure I would "absorb" that emotional cost either.

My heart almost always first responds with anger.  Then, I choose one of a few responses: hurt back, leave the situation because I don't know how to soothe myself, or talk on and on making sure the offender understands why exactly that hurt my feelings and that he or she truly feels sorry.  Basically, all of these responses lead to where my sinful heart wants them to lead: me feeling better and the anger being lifted off my tense chest.  But I'm not convinced that any of these lead to true growth or glory to God.

After this reality check, I chose to try to practice true forgiveness, the kind where I actually absorb the cost.  Well, as Kyle always reminds me, if God wants you to grow in an area, He'll place you in situation where you would naturally do the opposite of what you're trying to grow in.  So Saturday night, God did exactly that.  I was hurt by Kyle, and I fought my natural response of anger.  Kyle knew I was hurt and he truly repented, but my heart was still tense.  I wanted to fight back with anger, but to my surprise, I didn't.

I made the choice to forgive, and it hurt, badly!  I just laid there crying, absorbing the pain and cost of being hurt by someone I love.  Then, it was the most amazing thing, I experienced surreal and deep fellowship with Christ.  Through this experience, I was gaining a bigger reality of what Christ did for me on the cross.  I chose to absorb the pain of one offense, but Christ chose to absorb the pain of ALL offenses, all of my sins.  I was overwhelmed with emotions: sadness because of the pain Christ must have experienced, joy that he would absorb my costs out of love for me, delight that God was growing me, and there was a weird feeling of peace simply knowing that this is what God wants for me and for my relationship with Kyle, true forgiveness.

As painful as it was, my heart so badly desires to forgive like this.  It leads to a deeper relationship with the one I love, but more importantly, a deeper relationship with Christ, experiencing fellowship with him through sharing in his sufferings!  Such a hard but wonderful thing!

A happy picture of me and Kyle.  We don't just hurt each other :)

Fear

This summer I flew to a couple of cities, and for some reason, I became more fearful than ever before.  I have flown plenty of times, but it wasn't until I prepared for these flights that I became anxious, overwhelmed and brought to tears.  I talked to Kyle about how I was feeling, and confessed that I know this isn't how I am meant to live, in fear and anxiety.  I am called to cast my anxieties on the Lord because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7), and Kyle reminded me that the most stated command in Scripture is "Fear not" or some variety of this.

I continued to repent for not trusting in God's goodness for me, and I prayed that I would be able to give Him these anxieties and fears and fully trust in His sovereignty.  Kyle and I flew together to and from Pittsburgh, and I was comforted by Kyle's presence.

What I learned in the flight to Pittsburgh

While on the flight, I was suddenly reminded that God is sovereign and in control over ALL of my life.  Why is it when I get on a plane, I am immediately fearful of what will happen?  It is simply because it is in these times that I realize I am not in control.  Why is it that on a regular daily basis I rarely experience fear?  It's simply because I feel as though I am in control.  I have forgotten that it is not I who writes the script of my life, but God.  When you live life neglecting the fact that God is in control of it, of course you will experience great fear when you finally realize you have no control.  I was determined from here on out to continually meditate on God's control in my life.

What I learned in the flight to Maryland

A couple weeks later, I was on my own, flying to visit Kate in Maryland.  In preparation for this flight, I was continually asking God to comfort me in knowing He is the one who is always in control, not me.  I wouldn't have Kyle there this time for any sort of earthly comfort and support.

As I was on the flight, I was reminded of what Kyle had told me two weeks earlier.  A pilot once told him that it is so highly unlikely for a plane to crash.  It would be like a man putting on tight fitting jeans, buttoning and zipping them up, putting on a belt, and attaching suspenders, and then having his pants spontaneously fall down.  While it would have been so easy to rely on this pilot's expertise, I had to keep myself from doing so.  To do this would be to neglect what God had just reminded me of two weeks prior: God is in control, and I am called to put my trust in him, not statistics or reassurances of the durability of a machine.

The point

I guess I say all this to remind myself once again, that it may feel easier to trust in myself, statistics or even other promising machines and technology, but it is worth the mental fight to keep setting these aside so that you are able to fully and completely give your whole heart to God recognizing that He is sovereign over your life and that He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).