Fear

This summer I flew to a couple of cities, and for some reason, I became more fearful than ever before.  I have flown plenty of times, but it wasn't until I prepared for these flights that I became anxious, overwhelmed and brought to tears.  I talked to Kyle about how I was feeling, and confessed that I know this isn't how I am meant to live, in fear and anxiety.  I am called to cast my anxieties on the Lord because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7), and Kyle reminded me that the most stated command in Scripture is "Fear not" or some variety of this.

I continued to repent for not trusting in God's goodness for me, and I prayed that I would be able to give Him these anxieties and fears and fully trust in His sovereignty.  Kyle and I flew together to and from Pittsburgh, and I was comforted by Kyle's presence.

What I learned in the flight to Pittsburgh

While on the flight, I was suddenly reminded that God is sovereign and in control over ALL of my life.  Why is it when I get on a plane, I am immediately fearful of what will happen?  It is simply because it is in these times that I realize I am not in control.  Why is it that on a regular daily basis I rarely experience fear?  It's simply because I feel as though I am in control.  I have forgotten that it is not I who writes the script of my life, but God.  When you live life neglecting the fact that God is in control of it, of course you will experience great fear when you finally realize you have no control.  I was determined from here on out to continually meditate on God's control in my life.

What I learned in the flight to Maryland

A couple weeks later, I was on my own, flying to visit Kate in Maryland.  In preparation for this flight, I was continually asking God to comfort me in knowing He is the one who is always in control, not me.  I wouldn't have Kyle there this time for any sort of earthly comfort and support.

As I was on the flight, I was reminded of what Kyle had told me two weeks earlier.  A pilot once told him that it is so highly unlikely for a plane to crash.  It would be like a man putting on tight fitting jeans, buttoning and zipping them up, putting on a belt, and attaching suspenders, and then having his pants spontaneously fall down.  While it would have been so easy to rely on this pilot's expertise, I had to keep myself from doing so.  To do this would be to neglect what God had just reminded me of two weeks prior: God is in control, and I am called to put my trust in him, not statistics or reassurances of the durability of a machine.

The point

I guess I say all this to remind myself once again, that it may feel easier to trust in myself, statistics or even other promising machines and technology, but it is worth the mental fight to keep setting these aside so that you are able to fully and completely give your whole heart to God recognizing that He is sovereign over your life and that He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

One Year Down, a Lifetime More to Go!

Come July 31, Kyle and I will hit our 1 year anniversary! 

God blessed us with a beautiful sunset on our wedding night!

Oh the places you will go...

The year went by so quickly.  Looking back, there were so many different feelings we had, growth God did in our lives, and places we went!

We spent our honeymoon in Punta Cana

Thanks to a wedding gift from brother Mitch, we spent Fall Break in Asheville, NC. 

(Also, thanks to a wedding gift from brother Pryor and sister Sally, we were able to take all of these beautiful pictures).

We had Thanksgiving in Chattanooga...

...and Christmas in Pittsburgh (My very first White Christmas ever, but the ironic thing is it was white in Chattanooga too...). 

We went to DC for our New Years Conference and Staff training

Then we went to Disney World, The Happiest Place on Earth :)

Kyle surprised me on my birthday with a trip to Asheville where we rode segways and visited the Biltmore Mansion!

(or some in my generation may remember it as the home of Richie Rich)

Another weekend, Kyle surprised me with a one night getaway to this gorgeous B&B, The King's Daughters Inn, in Durham, NC

We spent a couple of weekends with the family in Hilton Head, including Easter



Finally, I got a job in February and got pregnant in April.  And this summer alone, we've been to 4 weddings with 3 left to go; Kyle started Seminary and lived in a dorm a few nights a week for 5 weeks; We both went to the Summer Beach Project, which is where Kyle is now, and we will be headed to DC this weekend to celebrate the future Mr. and Mrs. JR Watkins.

What God has been doing...

I have heard that some married couples have a very easy first year; some have a very hard first year, but year 3 is hard, or year 7 is really tough.  Either way, someone always declares that there is at least 1 rough year somewhere towards the beginning.  Kyle and I had a hard engagement, so we were hoping we got our hard times over early on.  We were wrong.  We got married and pretty much right off the bat, year one started out tough.  This was our time to finally learn how to do LIFE together.  We hadn't even lived in the same state until we got married, and then we all of a sudden lived in the same tiny little apartment (which we love, by the way).  I learned a lot about Kyle, but even more about myself.  God reminded me of my continual need for the Cross and that unfortunately sin can quietly linger allowing you to believe you have completely overcome it and therefore lead to a dangerously unrepentant lifestyle.

It also wasn't until marriage that I realized I had all of these subconscious expectations for what marriage is like, the kind of wife I would be, and the feelings I would experience within marriage.  As Bill Farley says in his book Gospel Powered Parenting, we all have and live by assumptions that are like highways of unseen intellectual submarines deep in our subconscious.  We may not even see or recognize we have these assumptions, or expectations, but they are there, and "all our conclusions about life flow from these assumptions."  Kyle and I knew to talk about our expectations of marriage before the big day, and we did, to the best of our knowledge.  Little did we know that we had these little unseen submarines leading us in how we lived and responded to one another.

Within the first couple of months of marriage, we were already feeling overwhelmed with not only what we were learning about ourselves and each other, but also the unknown of what exactly was the problem and how could it be fixed?  That's when we sought help from our faithful pastor who married us, Pastor Craig.  He brought us to the Scriptures every time we met.  One of my most memorable meetings with him is when we took a look at the meanings of each word in I Corinthians 13:4-7. 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

As I looked at the Greek word and its true meaning, I couldn't help but see how I have failed to love Kyle in every way that love is or is not.  This lead directly where God would have it lead: deep repentance.

God used those meetings with Craig, as well as time, and many conversations to grow me and Kyle more into His likeness.  About 6 months into marriage, it felt like life was changing for the better.  Kyle and I had more enjoyable times together than not.  Kyle continued to serve me, love me well and make me laugh, and in response I truly delighted in doing the same for him.

But it wasn't until a only few weekends ago when I realized, "Wow, I am absolutely loving marriage!"  I was at the beach and met a girl who was newly married.  She didn't know I was married but as I walked away from our conversation, I wished she had known because I wanted her to ask me how it was.  I would have told her, "I love it!  It's wonderful!"  As I thought through all this, I wondered, when did THAT happen?!   I remember my old response was, "It's really hard, but we're learning a lot about each other and how to do life together."  I couldn't come up with an exact time, but all I knew was at that moment on the beach, I worshipped God.  All this time he had been doing a work that I didn't even notice.  I am so grateful that because of Jesus, Kyle and I can experience true love and repentance. 

I am sure there are many more hard times ahead, but it is comforting to know through my own experience within marriage that God is present there too.  He shows up, and it is his desire and delight to reunite me and Kyle in a joyful marriage because ultimately it brings Him glory.